(Edit, April 2nd 2021: My friends and beloved have told me this post doesn’t change anything for them. That they’re going to stick around. It feels strange to just go back to business as usual, and I’m still prepared for some form of axe to drop, but until it does I’m going to move forward. I’m going to give everything I’ve got to justify their belief in me.)
Second Edit, 9/30/2021: With time and a clearer, but still not clear, head, I’ve revisited the content here and moved it somewhere else. There will be a time to talk about all this, but that time is not now. Suffice to say… the only thing I was really hoping for was that since I felt like no one was there to help me through life, maybe there would at least be someone to help me through death. Everything else was an exaggerated distortion of what I really wanted, which was some power I could appeal to overturn the hideous morass of systems failure we’re all trapped in.
I have to start forgiving myself–we have an entire group of people who want the world to end because they’re empty of hope. They, uh, call themselves doomers. And I’ve never hated them, so I don’t see how it’s fair to keep hating myself, you know? Anyway, I’d never really have tried what I tried if I sincerely believed it would work, and by all evidence it didn’t.
Trust me, the signs would not be subtle, and in fact would have expressed themselves with a level of fairness that has been nowhere to be seen in this miserable two years of pandemic and failing leadership and whatever else.
I am a deeply flawed woman who has made many mistakes, but I have never intentionally chosen the path of evil.